THE PROBLEM IS NOT LOVE,THE PROBLEM IS HOW TO MAKE LOVE.

               Sex is fun, feels good, and is a great way to be physically and emotionally close to your partner. But without an orgasm, it
can be a less satisfying experience for both people involved. There could be physical or emotional reasons why you're not experiencing a sexual climax, but the right diagnosis and possibly sex therapy can teach you how to orgasm and have a satisfying sexual relationship.

Help is available for both sexes because this isn’t always a female orgasm issue. While some women may have difficulty achieving an orgasm and may never have truly experienced one, men can have orgasm difficulties as well, especially if there are physical or emotional issues at play in the relationship.

Problems That Keep People From Having Orgasms

The variety of problems related to a lack of orgasm include:

• Not having an orgasm at all
• Having a delayed orgasm — taking a long time or needing a lot of stimulation to achieve orgasm
• Not having a satisfactory orgasm
• Delayed ejaculation
• Ejaculation without orgasm

Some potential causes of these problems in women and men are:

• A problem in the relationship
• Boredom in the bedroom
• An emotional or physical trauma, like rape or abuse
• Health conditions that affect nerves or hormone levels
• Being shy or embarrassed about sex
• Lack of education about orgasms, sex, and what stimulation works best for you
• Side effects of certain medications, including some antidepressants

Fear can keep both sexes from experiencing orgasm, says marriage and family therapist Isadora Alman, MFT, a board-certified sexologist and psychotherapist in private practice in Alameda, Calif. "Being afraid of letting go, afraid of going crazy — fear, in other words," says Alman.

Another explanation: "Physiologically, it may just be that they're not getting the right stimulation," says Alman. If either a man or a woman is used to achieving an orgasm with his or her own hand, someone else's touch and body part might seem strange, she explains.

Diagnosing the Problem

Many doctors and even certain therapists don't have training in sexuality and sexual problems, says Alman. If you're experiencing difficulty achieving an orgasm, seeing a sex therapist may help root out the reason and get the right treatment. A sex therapist can also help determine if you’re having a physical problem, says Alman, and recommend that you see a physician.

To help identify the problem, says Alman, a sex therapist will ask about your sexual history. Be prepared for topics to include a frank discussion of your current partners, your masturbation practices, and the nature of your symptoms. A sex therapist will also ask about your expectations of sex and what you want to achieve in your sex life.

Solutions That Will Help

If there is a medical problem to blame, you doctor will prescribe the appropriate treatment. And if the cause is psychological, working with a sex therapist can help.

For the female orgasm, Alman says a woman should learn how to orgasm by herself and realize exactly what kind of stimulation it takes, including whether she needs to fantasize in order to have an orgasm.

Says Alman, "Once she knows physically that she needs ‘x’ amount of stimulation, she should look at what's going on in her relationship. Is she comfortable asking for what she wants? First it's physiological, and then it's relational."

For men, the process is similar. Alman says she'll ask about a male patient’s masturbation processes and what feels different when he's masturbating than when having intercourse with a partner.

Part of the solution is the same for men and women — when it comes to sex, Alman says you've got to talk about it with your partner. Whether you want to achieve multiple orgasms or just feel uninhibited in the bedroom, you've got to be open about your wants and needs. "There's just no way to get from here to there without talking about it," Alman explains.

While it's very normal to be embarrassed to talk about these intimate issues or be afraid of your partner's reaction, you have to open up. If you can’t relax because of some unresolved problem between you — even if it’s because the house is a mess and that bothers you, you must address it if you want to have a satisfying sexual experience.

Talk about what you want, what you like, and what you need because if orgasm difficulties are affecting you, they're also affecting your partner. Talking about sex and intimacy will only bring you closer together, and help ignite the fireworks you’re looking for in the bedroom.